The purpose of this post is to somewhat "recant" my last post...
I Believe
God...I want to trust You. I want to
believe that You are working out what is best for me. I want to believe that
You want me to be happy.
But I just don't.
I don't trust You right now. I believe that You are trustworthy. I believe that You are sovereign. I believe that You are stong. I believe that You are holy. I believe that You are true. I believe that You are in control of all things. I believe that You are love. I believe that You are good. But I do not trust You right now.
I don't believe that You are working out what is best for me. I believe that You could if you wanted to, but I don't believe that You are. I believe that You are working out what is best for You. I believe that what is best for you is best for me by default, but I don't believe that You're thinking about me in the process. I don't believe You're looking out for my best interest. It's not about me. It's about You. What I want matters little. What You want matters all. I don't believe You are working out what is best for me.
I don't believe that You want me to be happy. I believe that You want me to have joy, but not happiness. You want me to have joy in spite of my unhappiness. I believe that You want me to endure suffering so that I understand what I do to You each day. I believe that You are purposefully not giving me what I want. I believe that You are always intentional. I don't believe You want me to be happy.
I know I'm selfish. I know I'm undeserving. I know You are perfect. I know You are worthy.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
But I just don't.
I don't trust You right now. I believe that You are trustworthy. I believe that You are sovereign. I believe that You are stong. I believe that You are holy. I believe that You are true. I believe that You are in control of all things. I believe that You are love. I believe that You are good. But I do not trust You right now.
I don't believe that You are working out what is best for me. I believe that You could if you wanted to, but I don't believe that You are. I believe that You are working out what is best for You. I believe that what is best for you is best for me by default, but I don't believe that You're thinking about me in the process. I don't believe You're looking out for my best interest. It's not about me. It's about You. What I want matters little. What You want matters all. I don't believe You are working out what is best for me.
I don't believe that You want me to be happy. I believe that You want me to have joy, but not happiness. You want me to have joy in spite of my unhappiness. I believe that You want me to endure suffering so that I understand what I do to You each day. I believe that You are purposefully not giving me what I want. I believe that You are always intentional. I don't believe You want me to be happy.
I know I'm selfish. I know I'm undeserving. I know You are perfect. I know You are worthy.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
The very title of my blog is Oh Happy Day; the verse that I've chosen as the motto of the blog is Psalm 90:1 "Satisfy us in the morning with Your unfailing love, that we may sing for JOY and
be GLAD all our days!"
I was definitely having a "woe is me" kind of day when I wrote my last blog post. I know that God wants to fulfill the desires of my heart. Romans 8:32 says "He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
I’m going to be really real with you. I don’t always feel as though Christ is satisfying every desire of my heart. I want more than anything in the world to be a wife and mommy. I would probably give up just about anything for God to bless me in that way. There are times when I see my friends happily dating, engaged, married, announcing pregnancies, or playing with their babies…and I am truly happy for them, yet I feel so saddened that I don’t get to have that. But, right now, that isn’t God’s best plan for me. Another thing that I desire greatly is for my big brother to be completely healed from the brain aneurysm he had a year and a half ago. It breaks my heart every time I recall a precious memory of a time we shared as kids that he just doesn’t remember. Sometimes he is afraid to go to sleep because he remembers being trapped in a body that didn’t work and fears that it might happen again. I see him sad when he realizes he can’t do the things he used to; it makes me so emotional at times I just want to scream. But, God has a purpose and a plan for my brother. And, right now, God’s best plan is not for him to be completely healed.
God is good. The times I don’t feel satisfied are times that I am not allowing Him to satisfy me. Right now, as I type these words, I still have those desires I mentioned, but I am completely satisfied in Christ. I know that if I were looking for satisfaction in those temporal blessings and God gave them to me, my heart would not be completely satisfied. I would just want the next things on my list. Only when I delight in who God is…when my hearts is completely captivated by Him, am I ever satisfied.
To be satisfied is to have the desires of our hearts fulfilled. Psalm 37:4 says that if we delight in the Lord He will give us the desires of our hearts. But, until Christ is the desire of our heart, we will continually fail to be satisfied. God knows that Christ is the only One who could ever satisfy us, so that is what He chooses to give us. It is our choice whether or not we allow Him to be our source of satisfaction. I encourage you to start praying today and every day that God will help you to fall more in love with His precious Son. I promise you, that is one prayer that He will answer with an enormous YES every time! And, when He does, you will be satisfied.
