I Believe

God...I want to trust You.  I want to believe that You are working out what is best for me.  I want to believe that You want me to be happy. 

But I just don't. 

I don't trust You right now.  I believe that You are trustworthy.  I believe that You are sovereign.  I believe that You are stong.  I believe that You are holy.  I believe that You are true.  I believe that You are in control of all things.  I believe that You are love.  I believe that You are good.  But I do not trust You right now.

I don't believe that You are working out what is best for me.  I believe that You could if you wanted to, but I don't believe that You are.  I believe that You are working out what is best for You.  I believe that what is best for you is best for me by default, but I don't believe that You're thinking about me in the process.  I don't believe You're looking out for my best interest.  It's not about me.  It's about You.  What I want matters little.  What You want matters all.  I don't believe You are working out what is best for me.

I don't believe that You want me to be happy.  I believe that You want me to have joy, but not happiness.  You want me to have joy in spite of my unhappiness.  I believe that You want me to endure suffering so that I understand what I do to You each day.  I believe that You are purposefully not giving me what I want.  I believe that You are always intentional.  I don't believe You want me to be happy.

I know I'm selfish.  I know I'm undeserving.  I know You are perfect.  I know You are worthy.

Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief.