Saturday, December 22, 2012
Like a Cut
The pain would not go.
It hurt so bad
And healed so slow.
Heartache's disguise...
A plastic smile.
Even one inch
Felt like a mile.
Stinging
A salty tear fell in my wound.
But a whisper
"It will be over soon."
Give me strength...
Enough to stand.
Through wet eyes
I saw a gentle hand.
"Get up"
Said a soft and tender voice.
"I can help you
Remember, it's your choice."
Though it felt of
pain and anguish,
It's what I wanted...
What I wished.
And like a cut
It's finally gone.
Yes I can say
Goodbye, so long.
Monday, December 17, 2012
Life
Sunday, December 9, 2012
When they saw the star, they were overjoyed
Monday, November 26, 2012
I Recant
But I just don't.
I don't trust You right now. I believe that You are trustworthy. I believe that You are sovereign. I believe that You are stong. I believe that You are holy. I believe that You are true. I believe that You are in control of all things. I believe that You are love. I believe that You are good. But I do not trust You right now.
I don't believe that You are working out what is best for me. I believe that You could if you wanted to, but I don't believe that You are. I believe that You are working out what is best for You. I believe that what is best for you is best for me by default, but I don't believe that You're thinking about me in the process. I don't believe You're looking out for my best interest. It's not about me. It's about You. What I want matters little. What You want matters all. I don't believe You are working out what is best for me.
I don't believe that You want me to be happy. I believe that You want me to have joy, but not happiness. You want me to have joy in spite of my unhappiness. I believe that You want me to endure suffering so that I understand what I do to You each day. I believe that You are purposefully not giving me what I want. I believe that You are always intentional. I don't believe You want me to be happy.
I know I'm selfish. I know I'm undeserving. I know You are perfect. I know You are worthy.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
I’m going to be really real with you. I don’t always feel as though Christ is satisfying every desire of my heart. I want more than anything in the world to be a wife and mommy. I would probably give up just about anything for God to bless me in that way. There are times when I see my friends happily dating, engaged, married, announcing pregnancies, or playing with their babies…and I am truly happy for them, yet I feel so saddened that I don’t get to have that. But, right now, that isn’t God’s best plan for me. Another thing that I desire greatly is for my big brother to be completely healed from the brain aneurysm he had a year and a half ago. It breaks my heart every time I recall a precious memory of a time we shared as kids that he just doesn’t remember. Sometimes he is afraid to go to sleep because he remembers being trapped in a body that didn’t work and fears that it might happen again. I see him sad when he realizes he can’t do the things he used to; it makes me so emotional at times I just want to scream. But, God has a purpose and a plan for my brother. And, right now, God’s best plan is not for him to be completely healed.
God is good. The times I don’t feel satisfied are times that I am not allowing Him to satisfy me. Right now, as I type these words, I still have those desires I mentioned, but I am completely satisfied in Christ. I know that if I were looking for satisfaction in those temporal blessings and God gave them to me, my heart would not be completely satisfied. I would just want the next things on my list. Only when I delight in who God is…when my hearts is completely captivated by Him, am I ever satisfied.
To be satisfied is to have the desires of our hearts fulfilled. Psalm 37:4 says that if we delight in the Lord He will give us the desires of our hearts. But, until Christ is the desire of our heart, we will continually fail to be satisfied. God knows that Christ is the only One who could ever satisfy us, so that is what He chooses to give us. It is our choice whether or not we allow Him to be our source of satisfaction. I encourage you to start praying today and every day that God will help you to fall more in love with His precious Son. I promise you, that is one prayer that He will answer with an enormous YES every time! And, when He does, you will be satisfied.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
I Believe
But I just don't.
I don't trust You right now. I believe that You are trustworthy. I believe that You are sovereign. I believe that You are stong. I believe that You are holy. I believe that You are true. I believe that You are in control of all things. I believe that You are love. I believe that You are good. But I do not trust You right now.
I don't believe that You are working out what is best for me. I believe that You could if you wanted to, but I don't believe that You are. I believe that You are working out what is best for You. I believe that what is best for you is best for me by default, but I don't believe that You're thinking about me in the process. I don't believe You're looking out for my best interest. It's not about me. It's about You. What I want matters little. What You want matters all. I don't believe You are working out what is best for me.
I don't believe that You want me to be happy. I believe that You want me to have joy, but not happiness. You want me to have joy in spite of my unhappiness. I believe that You want me to endure suffering so that I understand what I do to You each day. I believe that You are purposefully not giving me what I want. I believe that You are always intentional. I don't believe You want me to be happy.
I know I'm selfish. I know I'm undeserving. I know You are perfect. I know You are worthy.
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Verse of the Day #1
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Hands and Feet
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
I wanna be Your hands. I wanna be Your feet. I'll go where You send me. I'll go where You send me ... And I'll try, yeah I'll try to touch the world like You touch my life. And, I'll find my way to be Your hands.
This is what God the Lord says- He who created the heavens and stretched them out, who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it, who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it: I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open the eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
That You Might Know Me
"Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."
I had become so calloused. A beautiful friend of mine had the courage to tell me last fall that I was finding my self worth in a man who didn't really care about me...at least not anymore. Ouch. But she was right. And it had totally warped my mind into thinking that everyone looked at me in his eyes. What was I worth? Not much. But I did have half a brain to know that I couldn't abandon my God. So, I built up some walls and pledged to follow Him wherever He asked. No emotions attached, just a commitment. ...It's wearing!
Ya know...I'm not really sure why I write any of these blogs. I'm not really sure why I feel so compelled to pour my heart of imperfections out for the world to see. I guess I just want you, YOU, to feel what I feel. This is eternal life that you may know Him, the Only True God and Jesus Christ. A friend of mine's status on facebook a few months ago was "I'm sick of dead-end relationships." It makes my heart ache to know that that is reality. But knowing Christ isn't like that...at all. There's no dead end with Him. He is so fulfilling if You let Him be.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
my heart IS spoken for
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Triumphant Prayer
At one of Brooks' doctor appointments, the surgeon who has worked with Brooks from day 1 said to my mom "Brooks is literally a man who has come back from the dead." God's sovereign will is always the highest good for the object loved (definition from the very wise, Mr. Glock). We define good different than God does sometimes. His thoughts and His ways are higher than ours. But He still asks us to pray.